Recently, I have read some tragic events regarding life taking stories that circulated simultaneously around the internet. It was really tragic and first my deep condolences to whoever is affected. I read a story on a post that the person is referring to someone who have taken his own life with added detail that the person committed suicide and leaving his wife and kids. That detail alone already struck me to the core and enough to give me a panic attack in which gave similar feelings to my last year episodes. I talked to my friends about this story and then I told them that it is not about the idea of committing suicide that led to the person demise, but first, the inability of live as oneself. When the ability to live as oneself has been taken away, living simply becomes unbearable. You don’t want to be you, as simple as that. You hate yourself to the core, it is unbearable to look into the mirror and see oneself. Even the thought of you makes you sick and sad. One day goes by, the second day feels longer, the third day feels awfully longer, and we are just basically counting days to the day one finally admits defeat. The hole with no end, head conversations that leads to nothing, gravity without resistance, falling with an accelerated speed, timeless in its nature, eternal peace in mind, the only thought that is worth the time is nothingness.
Hello, i had those kind of disturbing thoughts not too long ago as well. I used a telemedicine service at first, and then went to meet the psychiatrist quite regularly. I got diagnosed with something, on meds, and some kind of a talking therapy. It did cost me something, but I think it's been the best decision i've ever made, because i think getting diagnosed in the first place means that my problem is being validated and taken seriously.
For me, it's a step to function better. And i hope that people can have access to it even if it needs a bit more effort from themselves. Telemedicine can be quite cheap, but for prescribing long term meds, i would say it's better to meet the psychiatrist in person. And maybe, to get a lower/standard price, it requires you to hop on to >1 hospitals.
With the meds and therapy i'm having, some days i can feel so positive that i wonder 'is this how normal people have been feeling? It's such a great feeling! Even if i'm being critized, i can see it in a positive light and continue to walk happily!'. Some days i just feel stable enough to not go into the whirlpool of overthinking. But some days, especially when i skipped my meds, i had terrible relapses that my past 'normal' self would be thinking how oddly 'sensitive' i've became. I know that i can't be happy all the time in life, but if i can live without feeling so shitty all the time or for every little things, i'd definitely take that chance.
When i'm on a relapse of feeling so much shittiness, i find trying to do the small things that brings me a feeling of happiness and usefulness to be quite effective. Like even if i think that a piece of shit to the people around me, i can still be a piece of usefulness and source of happiness to something else, like plants, pets, random stranger in need of help. I'd also try to celebrate small stuffs like taking showers, eating properly, or even resting. Because i know, even doing basic stuffs can be hard at times.
I hope more people would understand and respect issues about mental illness. It's called illness for the same reason as having, let's say, asthma. People would need to rest, take meds, and maybe get hospitalized. But that doesn't mean they're a failure or a defect to society. They can function well again if treated or have their symptoms controlled.
Though i feel like now i'm being quite the influencer in this, i have tried to let go of my desire of being a hero to everyone. I'm in control of myself, and i must first be the hero to myself. Everything else is not under my control, and i shouldn't be so disappointed, or worse, feeling like a failure if they failed or did not want to be helped.
I hope we all can be well and live well again. Thank you for writing this.
Let's continue to live.