if heaven were to be the exact thing as this life, I will be happy
As I walk while gazing how beautiful the full moon is, I think to myself and thought of the most beautiful thing I could say “If heaven were to be the exact thing as my current life, I would be so happy.” Something that I would never think of for so long, not even as long as I’ve lived. Never in a moment that I feel that I would say that.
Why is heaven or anything at all, for happiness, is portrayed something to be obtained? Something to fight for, something that is outside ourselves, something that is not a walk distance to achieve, something that is not as easy as enjoying the change of day to night.
Oh for so long it has been that way, maybe because we are bombarded by advertisement so much that we have actually change the shape of our brain that was not intended to be.
Some time ago I’ve experienced a moment in my life when I could bravely say that the point of the majority of time was to make as much money in the shortest time possible or be as efficient as one could ever be, be the superhuman and outperform everyone. I couldn’t say at that time of my life that I wasn’t happy. I was happy but my happiness was always ever fleeting. In it’s nature it’s precarious, fleeting, and can be easily exhausted. I could even say in hindsight it’s ever fleeting and the temporariness of the external happiness is not true happiness. It requires conditions to be met and I will not ever be satisfied when I’m only with myself, I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore.
My depression felt instaneous. The accumulation of experience just suddenly bulks up and come miserableness. I couldn’t even point out what I do wrong to feel such miserableness. I am never content with myself and always seeking more and asking more as if there is an answer somewhere, somewhere outside, something that life has to offer that I yet to obtain.
Only recently I have picked up a small dumb habit that I could do everyday and is obtainable. Every night I walk outside of my house and walk sometimes with a purpose sometimes I just walk to clear my head, while abusing my auditory sense with any music that I like, abusing my available physical body to enjoy to the music and with no single soul actually care about how bad I joyfully dance with the sound of coldplay banging my ear drums. While chewing a mint flavored xlylol gum and admire how beautiful and perfectly coordinated the moon is. How perfectly dimmed but bright enough to be called a nighttime. Only when I stop and see I could perfectly capture how beautiful it is, to have the opportunity to live and see and fucking enjoy the fucking moonlight. It’s fucking unstructured craters shown graphically even from within a three hundred fucking thousands kilometers, it still shines its light ever so gracefully. Everything feels to be as its exact place where it needed to be.
Night by night I become to enjoy the moonlight more and more while my playlist is as same and as stale as it ever be, but I never feel so happy doing the same exact fucking thing, every fucking night. I never enjoy being alone as much as this. I have every freedom, every inch of my body to do the nightwalk or be cooped up doing anything else, I always choose to do the nightwalk a thousand times.
While doing my nightwalk routine, I’ve picked up an absurdly healthy habit to stop by at a park and read Arthur Schopenhauer. I have some really beautiful quotes that I love to share.
“all that the possession of wealth can achieve has a very small influence upon our happiness, in the proper sense of the word; indeed, wealth rather disturbs it, because the preservation of property entails a great many unavoidable anxieties”
“So you may see many a man, as industrious as an ant, ceaselessly occupied from morning to night in the endeavor to increase his heap of gold. Beyond the narrow horizon of means to this end, he knows nothing; his mind is a blank, and consequently unsusceptible to any other influence. The highest pleasures, those of the intellect, are to him inaccessible, and he tries in vain to replace them by the fleeting pleasures of sense in which he indulges, lasting but a brief hour and at tremendous cost.”
Also another great quote from Epictitus
“Men are not influenced by things, but by their thoughts about things”
Back to Arthur Schopenhauer
“The ordinary man places his life's happiness in things external to him, in property, rank, wife and children, friends, society, and the like, so that when he loses them or finds them disappointing, the foundation of his happiness is destroyed. In other words, his centre of gravity is not in himself; it is constantly changing its place, with every wish and whim.”
I write this not to shame you, I would rather DM you. I write this because I fucking need to. If there’s any regret that I could have in my life, is that I wish I couldve write more. Life feels to short sometimes, I feel that I have the most drastic life transformation in 2022 from wanting to kill myself and done multiple suicide attempts to be able to enjoy the fucking moonlight and say to myself If heaven were to turn out this exact experience of a life, I would be happy. Even if Heaven is this exact life and is playing without my past life not knowing that this has been playing on repeat I would be glad and enjoy this moment that has been given to me. I was blind, I couldn’t see how simple as simple as wearing my sandals, walk on the same route as yesterday, see the same light as yesterday, see the same fucking symetrical buildings as yesterday, the same fucking round looking ass and imperfect looking ass of a moon that is not even a perfect shade of gray of a boring ass moon. I never even glanced more than 5 seconds to fucking realize how a boring ass moon could fucking change my mood.
I don’t know how to wrap up this boring ass article so that it could live up to the title’s expectation. But I guess if there’s anything that I wish I could say to my past self is that I would grab him by the shoulder and say “seek something that is crazily easily obtainable, not something that is years away, not something that is uncertain and fleeting. Something that you could look forward every fucking day, something so simple you could just reach it, you could even imagine doing it right fucking now. Something that satisfies you, not something that other people expected you to do, do something for the sake of you want it not out of something folly and uncertain or worse something that makes you feel anxious. Life shouldn’t be something you fear of, life should be something that you could look forward to, and that something is something you could look forward to every single day, and you will be happy doing it every single day of your life, you will enjoy every single day of your life.